MOVED TO @PATERVULPIS

Random Shit I’ve Said Starters

“I got lube on the living room floor and now I’m too tired to clean it up.”
“REMOVE THE PENIS.”
“Do you think bushes feel like they’re getting a haircut or having their limbs cut off when they get trimmed?”
“I wiggle all the time.”
“If you don’t eat ass you’re weak and evolution is coming for you.”
“Dirty jokes and vaguely creeping people out are the only distinguishing features of my personality.”
“I don’t care about the Cold War, it’s just Stalin getting his panties in a twist and America banning the color red.”
“What’s shakin’ bakin’ booty quakin’?”
“My pronouns are butt/butts/buttself.”
“What do you think it’s like to get eaten out by someone with no teeth?”
“You’re a quivering labia.”
“I want to kiss [character]’s nose, because I bet if I did they would crinkle it up and smile real big.”
“Is your puss puss dead?”
“[Character] is a naughty child. I will wiggle their pears.”
“Don’t bully your eyelashes!”
“Am I a bug?”
“People get all worked up about pickles, but I just don’t think they’re that big of a dill.”
“Ask them if they want a daddy.”
“I want to be everybody’s daddy.”
“[Character] and I are having eight children and I’m naming them all Jennifer.”
“You’re gonna get an asshole infection!”
“I’ll spank you with a knife.”
“My siblings used to slide down the roof on a piece of tin and dissect possums. I just stayed inside and read. I’m the lame kid.”
“You look pretty when you cry!”
“I love both of your boobs equally.”
“I’m gonna have a gender reveal party for myself and the cake is gonna be chocolate because I sexually identify as a piece of shit.”
“I draw dicks on people.”
“When I was 11 I bit a chunk out of guys arm through two coats and a long sleeved shirt because he put me in a headlock. He still has the scar.”
“THIS IS A GOD DAMN PUSSY!”
“I like buying things for people, and you’re my favorite people.”